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Lachwurzn
Gott der Signaturen
Alter: 60
Anmeldungsdatum: 14.07.2004
Beiträge: 4055
Wohnort: Wien
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It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them.
Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.
My name is JoeKing. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Sandy.
When I took 'early retirement' last year, it became necessary for Sandy to get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed.
Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work.
Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner.
I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door.
She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.
Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.
When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She has to take a break when she is only half finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly-squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.
I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Sandy. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women can be as they get older.
However, guys, even if because of this article you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.
Signed, JoeKing
EDITOR'S NOTE:
JoeKing died suddenly on 2 May of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his anus, with barely five inches of grip showing and a sledgehammer lying nearby. His wife Sandy was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 15 minutes to find her not guilty, accepting her defence that JoeKing somehow, without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club very quickly.
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"Hallo Sie! Das ist ein öffentliches Telefon. Sie stehen hier seit einer halben Stunde und haben kein Wort gesprochen."
"Lass mich in Ruhe, Junge. Ich telefoniere mit meiner Frau!"
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Lachwurzn
Gott der Signaturen
Alter: 60
Anmeldungsdatum: 14.07.2004
Beiträge: 4055
Wohnort: Wien
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The Value of a Drink
"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think! about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
~ Jack Handy
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.
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"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. "
~Frank Sinatra
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
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"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
~ Henny Youngman
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
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"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."
~ Stephen Wright
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
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"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"
~ Brian O'Rourke
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
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"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
~ Benjamin Franklin
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
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"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."
~ Dave Barry
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
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To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
~ Dave Howell
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
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And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers. One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went:
"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not
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Der Sommerschlußverkauf hat wieder mal begonnen: http://i13.photobucket.com/albums/a280/Blazeuk/salenowon.jpg
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Lachwurzn
Gott der Signaturen
Alter: 60
Anmeldungsdatum: 14.07.2004
Beiträge: 4055
Wohnort: Wien
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Der Mann kommt um zwei Uhr nachts nach Hause.
Seine Frau: „Ich habe dir doch gesagt, dass du zwei Bier trinken darfst und um zehn Uhr nach Hause kommen sollst.“
Lallt ihr Mann: „Oh! Da muss ich wohl die beiden Zahlen verwechselt haben.“
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Woher man weiß, wenn einen der Nachbar nicht mag: http://www.funny.com/_fc/0/2/fn.576.jpg
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Lachwurzn
Gott der Signaturen
Alter: 60
Anmeldungsdatum: 14.07.2004
Beiträge: 4055
Wohnort: Wien
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Lachwurzn
Gott der Signaturen
Alter: 60
Anmeldungsdatum: 14.07.2004
Beiträge: 4055
Wohnort: Wien
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Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work.
The first said, “I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is numbered.”
The second said, “I think librarians are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order.”
The third said, “I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and everything inside is color-coded.”
The fourth one said, “I like to operate on lawyers. They’re heartless, spineless, gutless, and their heads and their ass are interchangeable.
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How did Pinocchio discover that he was made of wood?
His right hand caught fire.
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Lachwurzn
Gott der Signaturen
Alter: 60
Anmeldungsdatum: 14.07.2004
Beiträge: 4055
Wohnort: Wien
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A Sunday-school teacher asked her class the question: “When you die and go to Heaven, which part of your body goes first?”
Suzie raised her hand and said, “I think it’s your hands.”
“And why is that, Suzie?” asked the teacher.
Suzie replied, “Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first!”
“What a wonderful answer!” the teacher said.
Now Little Johnny raised his hand and said, “Teacher, I think it’s your legs.” The teacher looked at him warily. “Now Johnny, why do you think it would be your legs?”
Little Johnny said, “Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy’s bedroom the other night, Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was going, ‘Oh, God, I’m coming!’ If Dad hadn’t had her pinned down, we’d have lost her for sure!”
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In Lefors, Texas verstößt man gegen das Gesetz, wenn man im Stehen mehr als drei Schluck Bier zu sich nimmt.
Elefanten ist es in San Francisco verboten, entlang der Market Street zu spazieren, es sei denn, sie werden an einer Leine geführt.
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Revenge
Göttin der Rache
Alter: 38
Anmeldungsdatum: 20.01.2005
Beiträge: 5546
Wohnort: das eisige Fegefeuer
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Hey, der ist super! 
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_________________
The gaze like death what you behold
Greyscale reflection, perfection so cold
Flawless shell of man is starting to break
And leave the inside for demons to take
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Lachwurzn
Gott der Signaturen
Alter: 60
Anmeldungsdatum: 14.07.2004
Beiträge: 4055
Wohnort: Wien
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Der Ehemann wacht aus dem Koma auf, seine Frau hat tagelang an seinem Bett ausgeharrt.
Sagt er: „Du warst bei mir, als ich Probleme in der Firma hatte. Du hast mir beigestanden, als wir pleite gingen, als ich arbeitslos wurde. Du warst an meiner Seite, als ich so schwer krank war. Und du hast auch jetzt wieder an meinem Krankenbett gewartet.“
Sie schaut ihn mit Tränen in den Augen an.
Er fährt fort: „Du blöde Kuh, du bringst mir einfach Pech!“
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Der Irrtum ist die tiefste Form der Erfahrung.
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Lachwurzn
Gott der Signaturen
Alter: 60
Anmeldungsdatum: 14.07.2004
Beiträge: 4055
Wohnort: Wien
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A young Jewish boy, was doing very badly in his maths lessons. His parents had tried everything to help: private tutors, mentors, flash cards, special learning centers, everything they could think of to help him improve.
Finally, in a last ditch effort they took him down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school.
After the first day, the little boy came home with a very serious look on his face. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying. His mother was amazed. A couple of hours later she called him down to dinner, and to her shock, the minute he was done he marched back to his room without a word and hit the books as hard as before.
This went on for some time, day after day while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference. Finally, the little boy brought home his report card. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room, and hit the books. His mother nervously opened the report card and jumped for joy: her little boy had finally got an 'A' in maths!
She could no longer hold her curiosity. She went to his room and said: "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?"
The little boy looked at her and shook his head: "No Mommy."
"Well, then," she replied, "Was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? WHAT was it?"
The little boy looked at her and said, "Well, on the first day of school I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign and I knew then they weren't screwing around..."
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Ist eine volle Harddisk schwerer als eine leere ?
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Jack
Blue Moon Emperor***
Anmeldungsdatum: 25.01.2005
Beiträge: 1126
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Hier zwei lustige sprachliche Fragen, die ich mir alleine ausgedacht habe:
(Bitte zuerst selbst rätseln!)
Welches deutsche Wort beginnt mit Eszett? Es gibt tatsächlich eins - die "Szene"
Was ist ein passendes Synonym für "zusammenbrechen"? Etwas vulgär, aber treffend: "gemeinsamkotzen"
Mündlich gestellt, kommen die Fragen imho noch besser rüber...
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ErzEngel
Gott der Kreativität
Alter: 44
Anmeldungsdatum: 21.11.2004
Beiträge: 3818
Wohnort: Nähe Altötting
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@Esszett
Es gibt noch mindestens 2. Das Szenario und die Szenerie.
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_________________
Yesterday upon the stair
I met a man who wasn't there
He wasn't there again today
I wish that man would go away
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"Bildung bedeutet nicht einen Eimer zu füllen, sondern ein Feuer zu entfachen."
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Widukind
Blue Moon Leader***
Alter: 50
Anmeldungsdatum: 17.01.2006
Beiträge: 638
Wohnort: Böblingen
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Ausserdem:
szientifisch (wissenschaftlich)
das Szintigramm (floureszierendes Leuchtbild durch Einwirkung radioaktiver Strahlen)
die Szintillation (das Funkeln der Sterne)
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_________________
Wer das Feuer nicht fuerchtet, wird den Schmerz spueren.
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kilrah
Gott der Taktiken
Alter: 47
Anmeldungsdatum: 10.03.2004
Beiträge: 2508
Wohnort: Salzburg
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| Widukind hat folgendes geschrieben: |
Ausserdem:
szientifisch (wissenschaftlich)
das Szintigramm (floureszierendes Leuchtbild durch Einwirkung radioaktiver Strahlen)
die Szintillation (das Funkeln der Sterne)
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Deutsch?!
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_________________
 "H'as aiy'hra n'hakh ri'kahri krikajj, nai korekh sha'yi."
BM Deluxe: http://www.blue-moon-fans.com/viewtopic.php?t=2419
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Widukind
Blue Moon Leader***
Alter: 50
Anmeldungsdatum: 17.01.2006
Beiträge: 638
Wohnort: Böblingen
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| ja, auch wenn die Worte nicht zu meinem taegl. Wortschatz gehoeren, sind sie doch deutsch.
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_________________
Wer das Feuer nicht fuerchtet, wird den Schmerz spueren.
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Geirröd
Gott des Hilfsbereitheid
Alter: 37
Anmeldungsdatum: 07.07.2004
Beiträge: 1799
Wohnort: Münster
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| Der Esszettel. Ist sowas wie ne Speisekarte. ^^
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